Un-Pause

I'm lying in bed tonight and it's 1204 in the morning. As like any night, I'm having trouble sleeping. I thought that faking the comfort of sleeping next to someone by lying next to a pillow would ease me to sleep but it does not. Nights like this one are constant reminders of how empty my life feels. I feel as though my life is stuck in pause, while the people around me are moving forward in life and love. Friends finding love and getting married, having babies and living the life I dream of and I'm stuck here, unable to move except to look back.  Although I'm constantly reminded that I have achieved great things thus far in my life, its pointless when I have no one to share it with. In fact, I don't feel proud or accomplished or anything when I think about having a great job or a masters degree or being able to support myself financially. I'm numb. I search to find anything that makes me feel some sort of emotion, which is probably why I continue to hurt myself going back to the one person who hurts me the most. I want to be rid of him and heal my heart, I want to not know him anymore. But I'm terrified that if I do let go, I'll feel that loneliness and emptiness again. So I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. It's bittersweet to yearn for affection that's rooted only in sex, to be a victim of one sided love- unrequited love. I can't figure out how to overcome this. So I'll just lie here in bed until I eventually fall asleep and wake up in the morning and try and face the day once again.