Acceptance and Redemption

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I used to see this prayer hung up on the wall in my parents bedroom when I was really young, but never really thought about what it meant. Now that I'm older and have experienced a wide variety of ups and downs, I know this prayer has more significance. I have a very hard time letting go of control. It's sort of an addiction of sorts and while it's not drugs or alcohol, it still has a debilitating factor in my life. I try to control way too many things, from the way I perform activities or work, to my home life and have even tried to control others. I used to think this control was a good thing and that it made me a perfectionist, but I failed to realize that only one "person" is in control and that is our Lord! He will allow me to make decisions in my life regarding certain things, but If I don't change being a control freak, I will miss out on learning The Truth and seeing the wonderful life God has planned for me. As I take this proverbial deep breath and try to understand why I let control be a drug for me, I hope I can also "Let Go, and Let God" handle what he needs to handle in my life so I don't miss out on a lot of the wonderful opportunities He has for me!

God Bless You One and All.
Stephanie

Testing The Limits

Today I participated in a ground fighting training as part of my job. During that training we were put into positions where we were to try and subdue an attacker who, at first, had the advantage. After learning all the holds and techniques we then paired up in groups and had to fight some of the instructors, who by the way were not only expertly trained, but also big, huge, tough guys. All the instructors were very tough, some more difficult than others. During the process, I got slammed down and bounced my head off of the mat. I got a little dazed but shook it off and kept going. When I reached my last opponent, I was already exhausted. This last instructor was about 3-4 times my size and all muscle. He literally looked like The Hulk. The position i was placed in left me on the ground on my back with my legs wrapped around his waist. He was pretty tall and really sweaty so I had a hard time getting a hold of him to attempt to maneuver him out of the position i was in. I fought him as hard as I could and used all the strength I had left in me but I was overpowered and took a few good blows to my head. After the minute was over, which felt like a lifetime, I didn't feel so good. I had a bad headache and was feelin pretty lightheaded. After getting checked out, it was discovered I had a neck strain and and a headache but no concussions or anything more serious.  This whole experience made me realize though that for one, I underestimate myself quite a bit. If I felt more determined in my ability to take on something or someone and really put my all into it, I believe I could really go far. Secondly, I'm very much out of shape. The last instructor taught me that I need to step up my game and keep doing all I can to survive, as there were many times I wanted to quit. In real life there are no time outs and no chances to tap out. In those situations you have to fight for your life and I got a real sense of my own mortality in that situation. Had it been a real life fight, I don't think I would have made it out alive in the physical situation I was in. I'm now all banged up and bruised and pretty damn sore, but these bruises are reminders to me that I can survive and I can overcome. I'm thankful for all the instructors that showed me what I'm made of and what I'm capable of and the desire to become better able to protect myself. At the end of the day, I'm still here and I think it is an ongoing testament to my life that I am strong enough to keep going. 

Un-Pause

I'm lying in bed tonight and it's 1204 in the morning. As like any night, I'm having trouble sleeping. I thought that faking the comfort of sleeping next to someone by lying next to a pillow would ease me to sleep but it does not. Nights like this one are constant reminders of how empty my life feels. I feel as though my life is stuck in pause, while the people around me are moving forward in life and love. Friends finding love and getting married, having babies and living the life I dream of and I'm stuck here, unable to move except to look back.  Although I'm constantly reminded that I have achieved great things thus far in my life, its pointless when I have no one to share it with. In fact, I don't feel proud or accomplished or anything when I think about having a great job or a masters degree or being able to support myself financially. I'm numb. I search to find anything that makes me feel some sort of emotion, which is probably why I continue to hurt myself going back to the one person who hurts me the most. I want to be rid of him and heal my heart, I want to not know him anymore. But I'm terrified that if I do let go, I'll feel that loneliness and emptiness again. So I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. It's bittersweet to yearn for affection that's rooted only in sex, to be a victim of one sided love- unrequited love. I can't figure out how to overcome this. So I'll just lie here in bed until I eventually fall asleep and wake up in the morning and try and face the day once again. 

A Little Piece Of Me

Have you ever seen the sculpture of Atlas? The man with the world on his shoulders? Many days I feel a lot like him. The burdens and pains of everyday life are layers of weights upon my shoulders. And as if that isn't enough, my insecurities about myself are like fingers constantly pushing those weights down, relentlessly waiting for me to fall to my knees.  Sure. There have definitely been days where my knees are scraped to the bone. Most notably the loss of my mother. Some days it feels like a dream. A horrible horrible nightmare that I play back over and over sometimes. It's almost unbelievable that she's gone. I still wake up and expect to hear her voice. Whenever I'm out late or away from home, every text I get, a part of me gets nervous anticipating her to ask me when I'm coming home. But then a part of me dies inside when I realize that those texts, that I used to get annoyed by, aren't coming anymore.  The hardest part is not having her around to talk to, to learn from, to celebrate with, to cry with and to be comforted by. My achievements and heartbreaks are experienced alone, without guidance or support from the person who knew me the best.  But it's a rare occasion that you'll ever see me show this weight and pain. Because despite the shitty hand I've been dealt in this card game called life, I cover it up with smiles and sarcastic humor. In the quiet comfort of my apartment, those fears and weight and pain take over and I'm reduced to a weeping, sobbing mess. I do my best to take care of everyone else, regardless of my needs or wants.  Yes I hurt. Yes I'm shitty at relationships and I don't know how to fix that. Yes I'm alone. But I know how to love and care and I make 110% effort in everything I take on. I just want to figure out a way to make my life better and get many steps closer to things that make me happy.  Until next time, Steph.